In loving memory of my daughter, Amanda Rose Ostby December 17th, 1985---May 17th, 2003
Today, I want to share a little bit about Amanda Rose Ostby and the story of her passing and our connection. If she were here on this earth today, she would be 36. I’m going to tell you a true story about the magical moment I was able to see, touch, feel and hear her 11 years after her passing, in 2014.
It was special weekend in November - the recording of the songs “Love Always” and “Broken Open” in NYC with Cari Cole and her team. It was 5:30am the first morning and I remember thinking that I should sleep longer because I had such a big day and weekend ahead of me. I was so excited to be back in the Big Apple and not only having the opportunity to be working with Cari Cole, my producers, and songwriting friends, but that I I was able to stay in a beautiful NYC studio apartment in downtown Manhattan.
When I woke up at that early hour, I didn’t realize that instead of jumping out of bed, ready to face the day, I’d be flying out of bed, literally floating in magical space with my daughter. I didn’t know it was her at first, I just felt this presence of pure, holy love, and then a surprise warmth as the presence landed and hugged me from the back. I remember not knowing who this was for sure, until I felt her kiss on my cheek and the blonde hair in my face. I said, “Amanda - is that you?”
Sure enough, she floated in front of me and said “Yes! Hi Mommy! Welcome! Isn’t it wonderful here? I am so happy that you got yourself to this place where you could meet me here!” Despite her words being a bit cryptic, I knew exactly what she meant. My spirit had been high enough to have this experience with her. My spiritual light-seeking had raised the atmosphere into love and forgiveness and we were together again.
She was dressed so beautifully, in a pink angelic dress. She showed herself to me as the 17-year-old girl I knew before she passed. Yet she was an old soul, with wisdom and knowledge beyond this world. I was so filled with joy and in complete awe of seeing her, that this was really happening! We were both crying and hugging one another so tightly, yet freely. All I could think was, “Oh my God! I am with my daughter once again and I never want to leave!” Though she is always with me in my heart, this was different. It was as if we were inside a movie where life moves fast and slow at the same time.
The next thing I knew, she was coming towards me with a HUGE pair of golden scissors. She was giggling as she held up the shears like she was going to cut my bangs. Surprised, I said, “Amanda, sweetie, what are you doing?”
She said, “Mom, don’t you know? I’ve been working with you, alongside of you and in front of you to cut all the dead ends off - to free you and our family from the generational bondages of the past, present and future. All that has no longer served you, me, us, our family had to be removed so that we could be in this place to work together and create the music. To assist the rest of the world in cutting the dead ends off, freeing themselves from bondage too.”
Amanda was so giddy, so filled with joy and gratitude that she had been able to complete a huge part of her mission (that was left incomplete during her short life) by getting her words “Love Always” through to me in this note that she had written and help me to bring those words into a song. Love Always~A Tribute to Amanda Rose Ostby
She was so excited because I had been able to let go, to forgive, and be in a state of true grace and unconditional love. That is why I could see her. That is why I could be a vehicle for her message - to “Love Always” and be “Broken Open” enough to bring our hearts together and create the music for the album.
The incompletion that she left the world with, not having fully completed her mission, was now resolved through this music. It was mission accomplished in bringing her love and beauty back to the world through song and music, transitioning from grief to joy. The way she left this world was painful, unexpected - and her work was not done until we had transformed that pain into joy and acceptance.
For those of you that have gone through the loss of a loved one, I want you to know that there is ALWAYS a CONNECTION. Whatever was uncompleted before they left can ALWAYS be completed when they are gone from this earth. Unconditional Love, Grace, and Forgiveness are the keys to unlocking the door. Always. If you are open and willing to see and receive their messages and connections, you can be the body and soul that helps them complete their work.
I know this might be hard to wrap your head around, but it is an experience that I will never forget. An experience that changed me because I had allowed myself to be changed. I refused to harden into hatred, resentment and fear - I chose to express through my core passion, music. I was ready and available to express who I was as an artist and to be an open vessel for my music, and Amanda’s music.
After Amanda’s passing, I wrote a piece(with the help of a special friend) called “Angel in Training-Lessons in Love” which you can read here. The words of that story were written within the framework of Christianity, which helped me through that time and beyond. I’ve discovered in my own personal connection with Christ, that grace is universal and is available for ALL of us to give and receive! Whatever religion you do (or don’t) participate in - the message is the same.
We Are One, no matter what happens to us.
Amanda, my angel, whether it's on your birithday or the anniversary of your passing, may the power of God’s grace raise our spirits high enough to be in a state of unconditional love and forgiveness. To work together as one in peace, joy and harmony. “Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.”
P.S. Several years ago this prayer came into my heart and out on to paper. May it bless you as it has blessed me.
"WE ARE ONE" UNITY PRAYER